justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissus, meet Catharsis I got into a fight yesterday. Not a physical fight or anything, mind you, but upsetting nonetheless. It was one of those silly, petty fights that starts over something mundane and random, but gets out of hand until people are all frothing at the mouth. You know the type I'm talking about. Where you know that you're arguing over something you don't actually care about, but you just have too much damn rage and righteous indignation to stop yelling. Unsurprisingly, alcohol was involved, but it would be wrong to blame it on that entirely. Transitions are always tough times, and I've been stressed lately. One of my friends seems to be suffering from pretty severe manic depression all of a sudden. I'm pretty much done with school, and who the fuck knows what I'm going to do now. And none of these things are excuses to throw a hissy-fit like a toddler who needs a nap, of course, but I have to try to explain it to myself. I wish I was one of those people who could just get over things and move on, but I'm not. It's the sort of thing that's going to stick in my head for ever, because it's the sort of thing I'm smart enough to avoid. And quite frankly, I like to think of myself as above that sort of thing, but hey. We all have our moments of weakness and anger, I suppose. It was just pride, in the end. And as much as I like to tell myself otherwise, but I suppose I am proud person. I think what really bothers me about the whole thing is that I can't fix it yet. I have to wait. And I hate it when you can't fix it. It drives me fucking crazy. I'm neurotic and insecure and dwell on things, so I need to make sure everyone loves me at all times. It's so childish, I know, but I can't help myself. So what ends up happening is that you fall all over yourself trying to make things right, which just seems disingenuous when you were in an unholy rage twenty minutes earlier. But it rarely is, for me. I'll admit that I didn't really feel sorry when I apologized, but I am not above swallowing some of that aforementioned pride in the name of repairing a friendship. Although, to be fair, I did have some motive in a speedy mending of ties. The person I was arguing with is leaving the country in two days, and who knows if I'll ever see them again. I know, I know, you just couldn't keep your mouth shut for two damn days, hmm? Trust me, I've been saying something rather similar all morning. The part that's going to keep me up at night was the end, though, when I asked if I should still show up for the going away party. It was meant to be the argument equivalent of a threat of tactical nuclear blast: get the conflict over with quick and dirty, and remind everyone that this thing is getting a little out of hand. The response? "I honestly don't give a shit, Nick." And you know what? Indifference is worse than anger. That's why the line "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" is so effective. It makes you instantly feel like the scum of the earth, doesn't it? Cause rage is easy to understand. It burns hot, but fades fast. Plus, you can't be really good and mad at someone unless you care for them a great deal. Indifference, on the other hand, is how friendships die. Once, I cared for you. Now I do not. That's goddamn heart-crushing, you know? It's worse than being a stranger, because it's the equivalent to saying "I got to know this person, and decided I didn't like what I saw." Rage is a reaction to something, whereas indifference is a judgment. And while, as I said, I'm not exactly remorseful for standing up for myself, I do feel horribly about the whole thing. It should never have gotten so out of hand, and now it may or may not have cost me a friendship. Just because I couldn't back down. Because when I know I'm right (I should probably put 'know' in quotes there), I cannot move on. We're all stubborn like that to some extent, I suppose. I guess I just need to learn to let go. Hopefully, this helps. 9:48 a.m. - 2010-09-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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