justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And if that's not male, I don't know what is... Self-identity is a weird thing, isn't it? I mean, no one really thinks of themselves as normal. Well, no one without self-image issues, anyway. And yet, depite how unique we all seem to think we are, ninety per cent of the people we meet don't exactly seem to break the mold or anything, now do they? So chances are, most of us are lying to ourselves. And even logically knowing that, I still feel like that doesn't apply to me. Sure, you can kid yourself with the whole uniqueness argument, but in order to be different from the masses, there need to be some masses to be different from, right? I, for instance, fancy myself higher evolved than a large portion of my half of the species. I like to convince myself that my intimacy issues are my way of elevating myself above out-dated biological imperatives, and that the women I've driven away left because they were not ready to enter the adult relationship I was looking for, when in reality them leaving and me being scared of sex are both just by-productgs of low self-esteem. I logically know that, but I don't believe it. Self-esteem issues are just so woefully unflattering. Especially when you consider the only reason I have self-esteem issues in the first place is because I'm bad at sports, and have been socialised to think that doesn't make me a man. That's just far too petty and mortal. Surely, I think to myself, whatever issues I have must be more elegant, no? Which is where the weirdness comes in. Because that is such a blatantly narcissistic way to feel. And so the cycle, if I've assessed it correctly, essentially goes: The gap between the person I think I'm supposed to be and the person I am makes me feel bad about myself. The gap exists due to skewed views on masculinity, little to no self discipline, and a (this one is a guess) lower than normal testosterone count. I feel bad about myself because I think I'm not a man deep down. I feel as though I'm not a man deep down because I never really got over high school gym class, and because every little boy wants to be hs father, and mine is an athelete. This instills a sense in me that I am not really an alpha male, and that triggers the defensive instinct in me: I am not strong, therefore someone stronger than I is going to come along and steal my woman. So I stay away from any woman I don't think I could end up marrying, since my overly alert brain has no "casual flinng" setting. So I end up saying no to opportunities much more than your average man. And so as to avoid awkward, potentnially labor-intensive personal growth, I pack all of these problems in a neat little box, tuck it in a closet somewhere, and just tell myself that I'm simply too mature, and looking for an adult relationship. So basically, what I'm saying is, somehow I have entered some kind of weird self-esteem paradox: my self-doubt issues exist because my ego is too big to ackowledge my actual problems. I'm so full of myself I've gone back around to the other side again! Or, the inverse. Something like that. Anyway, all this is to say, if you don't feel conflicted about something, you probably haven't thought about it long enough. Our brains are wired to catalogue something as fact as soon as we see a pattern and a solution, it's how we learnt to use tools and build things and stop being monkeys, after all. But when you get to more abstract areas like politics and religion and all that muckiness, there's generally way too many completely accurate ways to look at something. Too many, or none at all, I suppose. Which I suppose is essentially the essence of all conflict: it's not enough to be right. We have to be the most right. Our brains like to compartmentalize things, after all. ut things in neat little boxes with neat little labels. Alternate theories require asterisks and the like, which is far too complex for comfort. Easier to eliminate the other opinion from the records so we never have to deal with it again. Hence our propensity for startinng fights we know won't end well, wheher its with significant others or rogue states. And so it is that I can simultaneously be so unlike most other males, and also such a stereotype. I'm introspective and completely non-competitive, sure. Yet in my life, I have: eaten cereal with beer rather than milk, went more than 48 straight hours naked on more than one occasion, cleaned multiple surfaces in my home with a shirt I intended to wear that day, used Febreeze en lieu of a shower, and told a girl that I learned "Crash" on the guitar because I like Dave Mathews. For the record, ladies, that's not why any of us can play that song. I'm giving away trade secrets here, but I feel you deserve a bonus for actually sticking around this long. Excelsior. 6:56 p.m. - 2010-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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