justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reset. Engage Emo mode. Go team self pity! Yeah, I'm using a template now. Wanna fight about it? Too lazy to fix the old one and/or find a new one. Also: I guess I'm back. We'll see. Can't afford supergold, so can't afford comments, though. Feel free to give me money. It�s a lot simpler than my brain is trying to make it, really. I want to see her; she doesn�t want to see me. It doesn�t mean anything, necessarily, other than the obvious. But it�s confusing. A couple days ago, she couldn�t get enough of me. We were lying down and she was quite literally wrapped around me. �I just can�t get close enough to you today.� She said. And then I see her at night after I leave the bar, but she�s too messed up to have a serious conversation. So I get mad. I act unreasonable. She storms off. I write her a sweet good night�olive branch�and she doesn�t write back. Next day she doesn�t return any of my texts until about 5. That�s when she woke up. �Do you still want to hang out today?� I ask her. �We�ll see, I�ll call you back.� But she doesn�t. I inquire further a little later, scared of looking too needy. Don�t want to scare her off so soon. She�s �out for snacks� with her room mate and her brother, new arrival in town. Her room mate is a terrible influence. I like the girl, but it�s true. She never gets back to me, except for a couple token �what are you doing?� messages to keep me from complaining. I write her a goodnight message again�this one a little brief�but she still doesn�t reply. I talk to her today when she wakes up (4, this time). She went out late again. She�s been out partying late every day this week; this week when she was supposed to find a job. I know I can�t say anything to her, I�m not her dad. I know she�s only partying so hard because she can�t say no to her room mate, and her old friend just got into town. But he�s in town for the whole summer. I guess she could just as easily reply that I am, too. And so she finally calls me. �Cause you were bitching that I didn�t call you when I woke up yesterday.� What does she expect me to say to that? �Do you still want to hang out?� I ask. Loaded question. Click click. �Yeah, sure, but later. Later. I�m out right now. I guess I�ll call you back.� OK. Sure. Why not. So I wait. Again. This is the girl who was so eager to meet my family; this is the girl who always said the right thing. This is the girl who knew right when to call and cheer me up when I was in a bad mood, like she was psychic. No one else cheers me up like you do, I would say. No one else cares about you like I do, she would say. So, on one hand, I should just stop being so neurotic, blame it on the new arrival, and let it pass. But on the other hand, what if this is what she�s like from now on? Two days ago, it was all wonderful. Not perfect, but wonderful. And today, it�s not. I said before that it was confusing, but that�s not quite right. The problem is that I understand the situation so well, but still don�t know what to make of it. Two days ago, everything was wonderful, and today, it�s all laid out in front of me like a Rorschach test, daring me to make an assessment. And like a Rorschach test, I�m afraid to say what I really see. What if it means I�m crazy? 5:14 p.m. - 2008-05-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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