justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - There's a girl I like. She has an absent smile. She's something of an artist. She goes to the local fashion college, but knows how ridiculous it is there. She wants to design lingerie for a living. She has a boy's name, and for some reason, that's always turned me on. She knows stuff about computers, which is cool both because it's nerdy and because it defies gender roles. Let's face it, I've never exactly been the man. She's soft spoken, but impossible to offend. I watched a movie at her house yesterday. We watched it in her bed on her tiny laptop that's clogged from all the art projects on it. Her apartment is small; there's no couch. It has a bed, a sowing machine, and a great view. We watched the movie, and I poked her every time she was about to fall asleep. There was another boy lying in between us, but I leave that part out when I think about it. I say dumb things around her quite often, because she makes me self conscious. We had a heart to heart yesterday, she told me she has a lot of trouble with food. Because I'm sick, my heart melted. If you want me to love you, tell me you have an eating disorder. I will take you in like a wounded sparrow. An ex once told me I had a fixation on fixing things, and she was right. But eating disorders, that'"s the big one. I find 0out a girl has low self esteem, and it's all I can think about. Even at the expense of my own. I have to be there for her. I have to make her know that I will be there for her if she needs me. Because Lord knows if Men had been there for her in the past she wouldn't be in this situation. "I had soda crackers today." she said. "I know it's stupid, but I'm proud of myself." It makes me want to hug her until one of us bleeds. It makes me want to kiss her. It makes me hate myself for being attracted to someone's pain. I called her today, and she told me to come to Hatter's. I knew I shouldn't, since I work at ten. She's drinking for the first time, she says. She's off her meds, and is actually eating. Friends are coming. It's a party. By the end of the night, she had gone off with the same man I've been left for countless times before. First, of course, she told me all about the boy that she liked. Because I never count as male. And I try not to think about it, but deep down, I believe that I am not an attractive or desirable male specimen. And while I know I'm a good guy, eventually I just have to accept that women don't find me appealing. I spent a couple hours making sure she wasn't thinking about her problems--I've gotten pretty good at making it clear to girls with eating issues that they are beautiful people that deserve at least one night off--and the second she feels better, all of the vultures swoop in. And of course it's him she goes off with. It's always him. But when I walked in, she smiled and laughed. "Holy shit! I can't believe you came!" she said. "You're so awesome!" I'll hate myself tomorrow, and I hate myself for it a little now. Every day that passes makes me hate women more, which makes me sad, and a little afraid, because I don't want to lose a legitimate relationship to bitterness. But when she looked at me and smiled, and said I was awesome, it was all worth it. 2:13 a.m. - 2009-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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