justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is why I only date crazy bitches It's different with her. When I would look at Emily's pictures, they would just make me angry. With Nicole, they just made me lonely and sad. But when I look at her pictures, it's this gut-twisting sensation of panic. It makes it harder to breathe and I have to get up and pace for a while, uncertain if I'm going to be sick. Maybe I'm having a panic attack, I think to myself every time. And then Oh, don't be stupid. It's panic because I feel like I should be in them. Like the whole thing has traveled outside of my sphere of influence. There's nothing I can say to fix things, and now the whole world is just wrong. Things are not supposed to go this way, and I am powerless to set them right. That's how it feels. With all the others, deep down, I knew I was better off. Nicole and I, as much fun as we had, were incompatible. And between the two of us, Emily and I had enough Neuroses to fill a stadium. But with her, it worked perfectly. Every aspect of it. And it all ended suddenly, on a whim, because it was going too fast for her. And she got scared. She didn't want to get attached. And now I look at those pictures, and it's hard to breathe. Because I should be in them. Because she's so beautiful that I just want to reach into the screen and touch her. Reach into my memory when I was allowed to. It's the gut-wrenching fear that I might have peaked romantically. And it's the knowledge that this is the girl I will use a a measuring stick for all the others to come, and the truth of it will get lost, so that none of them can ever live up to her perfect memory. I'll ignore that she broke my heart, of course. The brain is a mystifying thing. The whole thing scares me. 8:59 a.m. - 2008-05-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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