justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I sit, and I watch TV, and I see a couple make love. Afterwards, she cries. It's just that every time she gets intimate with a man he leaves, she says. Not this time, he replies. It doesn't help, because she's heard that before. She cries anyway, because she doesn't believe him. And it's her I relate to. And it's her I want to hold. It's her I want to give a hug to. Because I'm always the 'woman' in these relationships. But I'm not gay. And trust me, it's not a denial issue; I fucking wish I was gay, I know some rich-ass gay dudes. But it isn't that at all, I'm straight as a boring goddamn line. I want a woman who is as broken as I am, I suppose. I want to meet someone who needs love as badly as I do. And just like everyone else, I guess it all boils down to mommy issues. My mother's mother didn't love her the way she deserved, therefore my mother loved me unconditionally, so now a woman isn't a woman in my mind unless I complete her the way I complete my mother. Which is an awkward truth to look at head on, not to mention completely unrealistic. I need someone who will put my head on their shoulder, and all that. You know the last time I was reduced to depression? I was watching TV (seems to be something I should avoid, apparently) and I saw footage of some married couple or other. She was harassing him because he was eating the wrong kind of cereal. Evidently it was bad for some condition or other he had, and he was on a diet. Also, she knew that the tie that he was wearing was a repeat of yesterday, and that's just tacky. I completely lost my shit. I long so deeply for suburban scenes like that. I wanted to be that bored man. It makes no sense. I don't want a supermodel to please me every time I get the urge in my mansion, I want mundane. And it makes me feel that perhaps I am not a man. At least not in the way I'm supposed to be. Not in the way society expects. I don't want to be a movie star. I want someone to get mad at me for eating egg yolks instead of egg whites. I want someone to pay attention. How pathetic is that? 4:19 a.m. - 2009-06-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||