justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I see her in a bar, and it makes me sad. Right away I fall into old routines. I'm trying to make her smile and make her roommate laugh. I'm trying to be the person they expect. I'm trying to make it easy for her. Makes it hard for me. So finally, I manage to stand up for myself. I tell her I saw her kissing the other boy. I tell her I'm not mad because I know she never cheated on me, and I understand why they're together, but I just wish she'd been honest with me. She's drunk. She leaves. She texts me that "I'm really sorry I made you feel this way. really." I tell her I still think she's amazing, but it was intensely painful to find out she was just like every other girl who's ever gotten afraid of my... ahem... complexities. I'm not mean, but I'm certainly not friendly either. She responds non-comitally. I could press the issue, but I know myself. I'd never be able to sleep if I knew someone felt bad because of me. If someone was losing sleep on my account. So I suck it up and take the higher path. Or something. "Look, don't listen to me. My opinion doesn't matter. I'm just acting holier-than-thou because I'm bitter that you like him not me. I just want you to be happy, but I'm just disappointed with how things turned out, that's all. I'm sorry if I got mean." God, I'm such a doormat. But she'll go to sleep with a smile on her face. And when he kisses her goodnight, it won't be tainted. I wish it was me, and I won't stop thinking about it all night, but at least this way I'm the only miserable one. I haven't hurt anybody but myself. And no one can be mad at me. 3:07 a.m. - 2008-07-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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