justnick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know, but I've been told BGM: "Ordinary World" - Fenix TX Version Can anyone tell me what the hell happened? I take a look at my life today, and I don't recognize or understand anything. Go back a few years, look at me then. I got amazing marks, teachers loved me. I was well enough liked by my peers, if slightly anonymous. My friends all loved me, and I was the epitome of a good boy. Didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't have sex, (then what did you do?) and people were very rarely ever mad at me. Since, I have started drinking, doing drugs, having sex, am working a minimum wage job, and have dropped out of school. My friend and hero was killed along with the rest of his family, my sister has been afflicted with more problems than I care to name, been in and out of a special hospital, and my mother got skin cancer that has already come back once. I have had multiple breakdowns, in the last few years alone, and it seems like the only time I'm ever feeling good is when I'm out with my friends. It seems, though, that every time I go out someone ends up mad at me for something I said or did or didn't say or do, and I'm always stuck being angry at myself for dissapointing someone, be it my parents, my friends, or my sister. I search frantically for someone to connect with, and keep scaring everyone off. I don't understand or recognize anything around me anymore, least of all myself. If not for the understanding and support of my boys (only one of whom actually has access to this thank you, now that I think about it. oh well) and the people I trust in to show how fucked up I really am to, I don't know what I would be feeling right now. I'm just sick of dissapointing people all the time. This happens every once and a while, folks, don't get all worried. I'm just in one of my moods. "What is happening to me?/ crazy some would say/ Where is the life that I recognize?/ gone away/ And I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world/ somehow I have to find/ And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world/ I will learn to survive./ ...What is happening to me?/ crazy some will say/ where is my friend when I need you most?/ gone away" God, I can get melodramatic when I'm like this, eh? How you people put up with me, I'll never know. Oh well, at least I've still got my looks. Excelsior. 6:27 p.m. - 2003-07-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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